Did you ever do that thing where you hold a shell to your ear and if you were very lucky you might hear the lapping of the waves? In Australia we have gone one better. A beach quickie with a shell to mark the spot. The perfect tribute to the much loved summer season, who doesn’t love throwing on a string bikini or a pair of Speedos, leopard print or otherwise, slapping on the factor 50 cream or indulging in a 6AM walrus dip to get the blood pumping. Summer is a god given treat and quite frankly it would be rude not to at least give a thought to getting your rocks off on the sand under a moonlit sky!
In the U.S.A, I am told Everyone Loves Raymond? Here in Sydney, if you don’t love summer you better get with the program quick because its going to get hot and sticky whether you like it or not. No matter if you’re sweltering in an office or planted in front of the TV, when the Aussie sun comes out the beach starts calling and only a fool would ignore such a rousing call. And here’s the thing, not every house and apartment in this country is fitted with the kind of state of the art, silicon encased, air conditioning cooling system that you might find in Charlie Sheen’s Malibu beach house and the word on the street even Charlie likes to turn the damn thing off in the middle of summer. Why would anyone in their right mind forfeit a cool breeze in the face of sauna like temperatures? Well there’s a very good reason and folks from all walks of life are jumping on the bandwagon. The Beach. Like a Motel only free. And when all is said and done you may find the sand to be a natural exfoliator?
Sex On The Beach - Guide to a Great Time
This is where a little local knowledge can go a long way. Know your beach. The nooks and crannies, the high and low tides, the shady spot under the trees. They say information is power? Know your beach and before you know it you could be power lunching in the dunes or letting your hair down by relaxing under the stars, the possibilities are endless so do not discount them. Who doesn’t crave a little summer adventure? If I had a dollar for every sly dog conquest Robinson Crusoe enjoyed at his local spot I would buy my own treehouse and lease it back to Robinson’s next of kin. It’s time to get on board people, order up a couple new pairs of togs on Amazon and pencil a beach visit in your Google diary. You can’t miss.
What better backing track than the idyllic lapping of the waves, what could be more romantic? Well a bedroom in a private house for a start but where’s the fun in that? Want to prove to your partner or date that you are in fact entirely spontaneous? The Beach. Want to add a little spice and mystery into a tiring relationship? The Beach. I mean if it like worked out for Leonardo DiCaprio, surely you can make it work for you, minus the shark attack and dodging of machine gun fire? I mean they even named a cocktail after it; it’s got to be a winner. So much so that a recent study in Quebec published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine asked 799 men and 718 women to rank 55 sexual fantasies. Of these people (85.1 percent were heterosexual, 3.6 percent homosexual and the remainder identified as neither of these) the two highest scoring sexual fantasies for men were "having sex in an unusual place" (82.3%) and "having sex in a romantic location" (78.4%). Following the advice of French Canadians will probably get you killed quicker than shooting a documentary on stingrays nevertheless one can’t help feeling they are onto something?
Another thought provoking survey has uncovered that the amount of women that have these kinds of fantasies are much higher: whilst guys surpassed women when it came to having sex in an unusual place, over 6% of women were more willing to have sex somewhere romantic. Thus if you really want to surprise your lady friend with a new daytrip schedule it may be time to start packing the beach bag. Though beware our Aussie beaches are not without pitfalls. Do your diligence; be sure to clear the love zone in advance of any discarded needles, cigarette butts, beer cans or broken glass. Oh and do check for sand burrowing poisonous spiders. The post orgasm anti-venom shot is something of a downer closely followed by death by drowning. Keep one eye on the weather forecasts as freak storms and heavy rainfall are not uncommon in the summer months.
For the eco-sensitive and socially responsible beach goer, do not forget that condoms are not bio-degradable and can have a devastating effect on marine wildlife and bird life. Seagulls are not an endangered species neither are they blessed with analytical brains so please be respectful and considerate. Do unto others and all that. Likewise, you probably don’t want to land yourself in a 4 x 6 cell for indecent exposure or public indecency etc. Seclusion is the key though the chance of being caught in the act can provide a certain level of appeal for the adrenalin junkie. It’s a risky game. How does it go? To the winner come the spoils.
From a medical perspective it should be noted that the abrasive quality of sand particles can render a perfectly constructed condom useless in a matter of seconds. Sand also contains bacteria so less is more is a good plan when it comes to sand in the portable bedroom. Condoms similarly are not tested or designed to be used underwater. A romp in the dunes is one thing however sex in the sea is not recommended under any circumstances. And we all know how the JAWS movies end!
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