Maintaining a healthy, rewarding relationship is always hard work. As with other aspects of our lives, we try to strike a balance between our personal lives and careers, all the while trying to meet our needs and wants as humans. As a sex worker, navigating your way through the challenges of an exhausting professional life as well as romantic relationships can be especially tough. That’s not to say it’s impossible, because it definitely isn’t. Being involved in the adult services doesn’t disqualify you from having a committed relationship. Obviously it comes down to an individual’s personal preference, some sex workers choose to remain single for the term of their career.
For some, dating within the sex industry is one way to find a compatible partner. They get what you do; in all aspects. They know how mentally and physically exhausting it is and they get the schedules. Most importantly, dating another porn actor or escort means your partners can see the difference between the job and your personality. They understand that your work-sex may not be the sex you like behind closed doors. Australian porn star Amity Adams echoed the sentiment, telling us “Sometimes dating in the industry is easier because there’s a certain understanding of what you’re doing, and what it’s about. There’s a mutual respect, you can talk to them.”
Finding Love in the Adult Industry
At this year’s Melbourne Sexpo, we were lucky enough to chat with Amity about the experience of her personal and professional worlds. She generously shed light on what it’s like to enjoy the company of another porn star both on and off set. Amity is currently dating Rob Paulson, another Australian porn actor, initially introducing him as her favourite performer to work with.
“I think he definitely portrays women in a very beautiful way and he’s so lovely to work with. He takes everyone out for lunch, he really treats women with respect and I really love that about him.”
After meeting through their work, Amity says that she “just kind of knew from the start” that there was something more between them. Having dated unsuccessfully within the industry once before, it’s not a porn-specific problem. As with dating in general, not everyone is a good fit. “Everyone’s different,” says Amity, adding that people are all in the adult industry for their own reasons, and they don’t always align with someone else’s motivation for a porn career.
It’s usually frowned upon to get too cosy with your co-workers – the whole “don’t sh*t where you eat” and all that, right? But when you’re an escort, stripper, cam girl or porn star, you’ve got needs and there’s no reason you shouldn’t be dating or get married. It’s up to each individual to set their boundaries, and define their own versions of intimacy in order to create something unique to their relationship, separate to their career.
Dating someone involved in sex work is a little bit out of the ordinary for those standing on the outside looking in. It can be hard to find a meaningful connection with someone outside the industry due to them simply not understanding what you do. There can be quite a lot of jealousy, feelings of inadequacy and a lot of judgement. Perhaps it’s the stigma still attached to sex work, but unfortunately a sizable portion of society cannot distinguish the sex work career from the person’s private life. Partners of porn actors often get asked “What’s it like to be married to a porn star?” as though it lacks the everyday, ‘normal’ stuff like household chores, bad moods and out of sync work schedules.
The short version of this blog is this: if it works for you, go for it! Have you ever dated someone in the adult industry, or are you a sex worker navigating a romantic life? Let us know by tweeting to @Myplaymateau.